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Dangerous currents

Ever felt a certain feeling and thought you were the only one feeling that way?

I know that in most cases we are not on the mark about this. I could guarantee you that someone else is feeling the same way about the same thing. Yet, we still respond to the question “How are you, everything okay?” with “Yes, I’m fine! How are you?”.

We deflect any invasion into our feelings, because it will mean that we get exposed as having them in the first place, or that maybe in this instance we don’t have complete control over how we are feeling. How sad. We miss out on real connection because we feel vulnerable in our lack of control. Why? Well, I feel it is because it’s expected of us humans to not be human-like and therefore not react in anger or surprise or sadness. I took myself to the bathroom at work and sobbed my eyes out when I heard a beautiful patient had passed away at home the week before. I sobbed at the pain I felt ebbing from her husband, but I took that cry away from prying eyes, not wanting to share this emotion. Firstly because of how raw it felt, secondly that my pain at her passing was definitely not the priority, and thirdly and regretfully, why didn’t I have better control over my emotions? I can feel myself being slowly programmed to feel less as I go through my years, less than I used to as a 13 year old.

I had a conversation with a friend a few months ago, about how we feel very sorry for teenagers/for ourselves as teenagers. We spoke about the fact that as a teenager, we are on the brink of being an adult, and yet have this sudden onslaught of hormones and feelings and wayward everythings, and yet no control over any of it! It’s all just a slippery-slide to 21 and then hopefully by then you feel somewhat back to ‘normal’. You get to start that full-time job, perhaps go to university, or go again, and now try be proper adult-adults. I think it is in the next few years that we lose the ability to share with one another like we used to share when we were children. Some people hold on to this ability, but we often look at them with a ‘Too Much Information’ gaze and want to walk away.

I find it exceptionally difficult to genuinely share all I’m feeling as it appears the risk is too high in sharing it with someone that I expect does not want to know.

Could the problem be that we are all going through difficult times, however big or small, and therefore don’t feel we have enough to give in hearing someone else’s trials and tribulations? However, what about the happy times? What is happening to the joy felt at someone else’s happiness? Is life too fast-paced, stressful and full of worries that hearing the smooth ride of a person’s life is too much to take?

We all have that heartbeat, drumming the beat of life through our veins, the thoughts that swirl through our minds bringing worries, dreams, and imagination to life.

The battle you’re fighting sometimes seems too great, and the tools to overcome it too petty. We compare, poke, prod, envy, desire all that is around us. We marvel, admire, compliment others with ease, and in the pit of our stomachs the uneasiness of not being able to do the same for ourselves churns.

We all have this powerful, dangerous current within us. Danger in both a positive spin if you can see it and the negative. Like the ocean. The currents bring her warm waters, move her sand banks to create waves for joyriding. However, getting caught in a rip, a strong and deadly current beneath the surface that snatches at you and forces you out into the deep, you realise how easily out of control you can be.

Allow yourself to take a break and float, to look up to the sky and rest your tired limbs. The same as letting your inner turmoil take a break, and hold onto the good that is floating by, like a life raft. Maybe that life raft takes form in a person, someone who helps you look up again and stay above the surface. Perhaps it is in your faith and  beliefs. Wherever you find it, cling on and don’t give up! The water always becomes calm.

And don’t be afraid to share…the world has become too selfish these days and you have a bountiful amount of uniqueness to give the world.


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